Go Ape...a safe climbing thrill

I love jumping off things. I like the thrill of falling. I don't so much like the landing. Heights aren't a problem for me. I like climbing trees and rocks, jumping out of planes and off cliffs into the sea.

Of course the greatest problem with this love is that you have to jump off something and land on something else. The greater the height, the more the landing is going to hurt. Even jumping into water can be dangerous. For instance if you were to jump from the Sydney Harbour bridge you would hit the water at such a speed that it would be like hitting concrete. I am not sure if it was the devil inside me but while on the Sydney Bridge climb some years ago, I did quite like the idea of giving it a try.

The UK is blessed with some fantastic climbing centres and outdoor mountainous spaces but is not blessed with good weather. This has made falling out of a plane very difficult this summer. One rule they have here, is that skydiving is a "no-go" if it's cloudy. Apparently you need to be able to see the ground before you jump, boo. I know what it's like to jump on a clear day and it is brilliant but I'd also like to experience falling through some clouds. With being grounded twice this summer I have sort other thrills.

This search has led to Go-Ape a purpose built tree climbing assault course type centre. There are several around the country. Even if you are scared of heights you should definitely give it a go. Unless you're a complete mong you shouldn't fall from the 50 to 100ft heights. There is a three part safety system so you should always remain connected to the safety wire. For me I found this a little tame but they wouldn't let me on without the harness. There are a couple of different routes that you can take with varying degrees of difficulty and for the chickens there are plenty of opportunities to get down.

From Go Ape & Camping

Each section ends with a death (may be a poor choice of word) slide or commando line. For anyone old enough to remember the Krypton Factor with Gordon Burns the commando slide at the end was always the best bit. Seeing Barbara, a Geography teacher from Norwich, face-plant into the muddy field at the bottom of the commando slide, was great TV. Especially after being given a head start on the assault course because she was a girl. The 80's were sooooo sexist. Well you too can experience the face-plant but thankfully with less mud and sexual discrimination.

From Go Ape & Camping

Go-Ape was a great experience. We were monkey-ing around for over three hours in the tree tops. If you need a strange place to hold a team meeting or fancy facing your fear of heights give Go-ape a crack.

HDM

My dear Mr Flange

Hello Mr Flange,

I feel compelled to write to you today as I believe you hold the greatest surname of all time. I wish to congratulate you on your moniker. It has long been my favourite word. A word that holds little sway in modern life and rarely comes up in diction or conversation. However, it always brings a titter to my lips.

As I am sure you are aware Mr Flange (titter) your name is based solely in heavy industry and construction. It's a rim for strength. For me and my childish, neh playful mind it holds sexual connotations that make little to no sense.

There is no easy way to tell you but your name to me reminds me of a ladies...garden. Wait I was wrong. That was an easy way to describe it and much nicer than saying twat, minge or cunt.

It's strange how words can cause such offence. The word itself is not to blame but the semiotics we attach to its meaning. If you say the word cunt, with no ill meaning and pronounce it out loud. Projecting with a big smile so as to eradicate any negativity. Does it make the word seem less powerful? I think yes.

The word will lose its aggression with time...like the word "fuck". It still remains a swear word but one that is less offensive than when it once was.

This softening of the effectiveness or power of words worries me slightly. For the opposite affect could also occur. Once happy or amusing words could become boring or offensive. The word "gay", once a playful term has been attached to homosexuality which in itself is not a bad thing but now the "youth" appear to be using the word "gay" in a derogatory way. It now can be used in sentences where the meaning is used to inflict pain or offence. This is not right.

So Mr Flange it has occurred to me that one day I may not get the same titter I once did on hearing your name. With that worrying thought I write to you today to ask that you embrace your name fully. To pronounce loudly and positively your name. You must make sure that Mr Flange always remains...entertaining.

My future children may bare your name.

Thank you

HDM

Horse Riding

I have to admit that I have never been a big fan of learning to ride a horse. My sister was always very keen and would take-up every opportunity to get on a horse even the clothes horse over the bath, much to annoyance of mother.

I recall a time my sister actually went to a riding school for a while on Caerphilly Mountain. At great expense, she would disappear up the mountain for lessons and return covered in mud. It came to nothing.

Through my new partner I have been able to experience horses and horse riding on a more regular basis. Amy has four horses of varying age and condition and her family look after another two. Whether it was a joke or an attempt to test the size of my balls; Amy's mother Mandy, decided I should start out on Ned...the biggest, strongest and cheekiest of the Hammond's herd/harass.

You can't just get-on a horse and ride though. There is the whole ritual to go through first, of grooming and preparing your horse. An opportunity to bond with the horse I'm told. Or at least a chance to see how inadequate man is "downstairs", compared to his four, or is that five, legged friend.

From The Ranch

I had to stand on a barrel just to get on him! Neither Amy or Mandy would stray too far away. I could see the fear in their eyes. They obviously knew Ned was prone to giving a novice rider a rough ride. Sure enough he didn't want to go in the direction I wanted him to go IE: not through the hedge but around it. You see horses only think about their own height. If they think they can make it through a gap in the tree lined hedge they will go for it. Regardless of the rider on top. Unless the rider can prevent such a bolt, you should expect a face full of tree. I could not stop the bolt.

This little event, along with the un-planned cantering through a field, has not stopped me wanting to learn more. I look forward to my next ride especially as I look fantastic in chaps.

HDM